HEY! THAT'S NO IGUANA!

Concerned neighbors, aware that the RSPCA had recently rescued an iguana from a nearby tree, saw what looked like another iguana napping 45 feet up another tree. Anxious to participate in an act of wildlife heroism, the neighbors called the RSPCA, and the RSPCA called the fire brigade.

The fire brigade roared into action, screeched to a stop, clambered up the tree, and then climbed down again. Then they instructed the neighbors on how to tell the difference between an iguana and a green tree branch.

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ONE THOUSAND SPEEDING TICKETS

A Sao Paolo motorist's car was impounded after he accumulated nearly a thousand traffic tickets since purchasing the car in 2001. The city plans to sell or auction the car, which is valued at the Brazilian eqivalent of $6,600, to cover part of the fines, which were levied for speeding and running red lights. If the car is sold for near its value, the remaining amount owed by the motorist will drop to around 1.9 million dollars.

The motorist claims he never received the citations, as he was in too big a hurry to ever register the car in his own name.

DADDY, DON'T STEAL

During David Lee Cleland's burglary sentencing on September 22, Kalamazoo Circuit Judge Janet Lightvoet was torn between handing down Michigan's traditional punishment (seven months in jail), or crafting a clever solution of her own. In the end, after considering the defendant's six previous felony convictions, his still pending misdemeanor fraud case (he allegedly drove off without paying for gas), and his rocky heroin addiction, Judge Lightvoet decided she had just the thing: a written reminder not to commit crimes.

"Daddy, don't steal," the message reads. The words mirror advice given defendant David Lee Cleland by his six year old son, words Cleland shared with the judge during his sentencing. Lightvoet seized upon the words and ordered they be written or taped on Cleland's arm for the next seven months.

Satisfied that wearing words will do the trick, the judge sent Cleland on his way. "I don't want to see you here again unless you're visiting," Lightvoet said. She also ordered four years of probation and required Cleland to acquire a GE degree.

MONSTER PIG TRAPS WOMAN IN OWN HOME

An enormous pig appeared in Caroline Hayes' New South Wales village. Mrs Hayes and her neighbors fed the pig and named it Bruce. But a long-term friendship was not to be.

"It started getting very pushy, started pushing me around," said Mrs. Hayes, 63, "so I began to get a bit frightened, until the stage that it began knocking on my door at four o'clock in the morning...."

Local rangers came to her house with a dog cage and attempted to trap the animal, but, "It's like trying to put an elephant in a dog cage," said Mrs. Hayes.

Then things got worse. On September 15, Mrs. Hayes explained to reporters standing outside her window, "This morning, I wanted to go to my bathroom, which is outside," she said. The pig charged her, bit her on the leg, and then crowded her inside the house, where she remained trapped for ten days. Finally, authorities managed to subdue the animal and ship it off to a hog farm.

[Editor: Note she was trapped inside for ten days. Note that her bathroom was outside.]

TRANSGENDER PARATROOP COMMANDO SUES TO KEEP LIBRARY JOB

David Schroer retired from the Airborne Rangers as a Colonel after 25 years of Special Forces duty, and more than 450 parachute drops. Along the way, David earned numerous decorations and collected a library of 16,000 books on warfare, military history, political philosophy and international relations.

Upon leaving the Army he was a shoe-in for an open position at the Library of Congress as a terrorism research analyst. In fact, they offered him the job. And he accepted.

But by then David had already decided he would be happier living as a woman named Diane. Upon learning this, his new employer became his ex-employer, saying they weren't a "good fit.". Diane sued.

On 9-19-08 a Federal District Court held that discriminating against someone for changing genders violates Title VII. Diane was victorious.

NAKED HEN + COMFY JUMPER = YAY!

Buffy the Hen used to live in such close proximity to her neighbors that her feathers rubbed off, to the point where she looked "oven ready." But the oven was not yet her destiny. Members of England's Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals rescued poor Buffy and provided her with more spacious quarters, and food to tickle a chicken's fancy. Someone even knitted her a comfy striped jumper to keep her warm until her feathers grow back. Emma Phillips, deputy director of the Brent Knoll rescue center where Buffy resides, has stepped into the role of "foster mum" until Buffy's back to 100%.

Yes, many, many people have devoted many, many hours to rescue this survivor of the Holocaust on Your Plate. And Buffy? Well, despite her trauma, Buffy is much improved. Now she likes to "peck, and scratch about, and tries to join the other chickens sunbathing...."

[Editor: Not to be outdone, the Manchester chapter of RSPCA has rescued, and knitted a colorful scarf for, a forlorn ham sandwich on rye.]

EATERY TO SERVE BREAST MILK

Swiss restauranteur Hans Lochner is seeking mother's mlk, which he plans to add to the recipes of several soups and stews his eatery serves. He'll pay willing mommies $5.40 for 14oz. of the stuff. When asked, "why," Herr Lochner replied, "You can cook really delicious things with it."

The case has confounded Swiss authorities because, while breast milk is not an approved saleable foodstuff, the notion of it being served in bistros was previously so alien that no one had thought to add it to the 'unapproved' list.

Meanwhile, members of animal rights group PETA caught wind of the story and immediately began to hyperventilate. Letters flew from the PETA offices post-haste, urging ice cream company Ben and Jerry's to embrace the breast pump. "The Breast is Best!" a letter read, surely heralding the next protest chant should Ben and Jerry's refuse to comply. Which, despite the company's famously progressive environmental footing, they did, electing to leave breast milk to nursing infants.

[Editor: Thank God. The thought of hundreds of fat, topless, lactating hippie women strapped onto a milking machine is enough to curdle my colon.

DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST CORPSE

A Swiss company will take the ashes of your dead loved one and, for as little as $7,500, will transform the dearly departed into a tiny, perfect synthetic gemstone that you can keep forever. Such a stone is called a Remembrance Diamond, and the process involves subjecting the carbon in the ash to enormous levels of heat and pressure.

GE pioneered the process in the 1950s as a cost-effective way to produce industrial diamonds. In it's latest incarnation the process allows grieving survivors to cling to the remains of loved onest without the bother of nasty smells or hungry vultures.

PSYCH STUDY FINDS "COLD SHOULDER" FEELS COLD

Researchers at the University of Toronto, presumably being paid by someone, have gathered evidence that social isolation (e.g. receiving the cold shoulder) actually FEELS cold. "Just thinking about rejection can make a room feel chillier," the psychologists assure us, and say further that victims of loneliness and isolation prefer warm drinks to cold.